Limitless & Limited

It was Day 25 in quarantine. I was sitting in stillness waiting for my company's virtual free yoga class to begin. My yoga mat sprawled across the center of the room, my hand-me-down rug rolled up next to it, my coffee table carefully pushed aside.

I thought about everything on my 'quarantine to-do list' and added to it as I looked around at the shelves, tables, and floors I should organize and clean.

Like many days in the past few weeks, I felt guilty, I felt limited.

"Am I not using my "quarantine time" wisely?"

I've only watched a couple of movies, I haven't binged all of Tiger King yet, and I haven't even thought about picking up a book! I have gained exactly zero new or exciting skills, I haven't planned a "post-quarantine" party, and what exactly is my excuse?!

In normal life I commute for about 4 hours everyday via subway and NJ Transit, so working from home is something I always look forward to, but I'm somehow just as exhausted without even stepping out of my apartment.

Although it feels like there is so much time, I feel limited.

The yoga class begins, and I spend the next 45 minutes forcing these thoughts out of my head.

Deep breath in...

I try not to think about the headlines on the news that have been playing in the background all day.

Downward facing dog... settle into this...

I push aside thoughts of 'when will I get to see my family and friends?', and 'when will I get to meet my soon-to-be-born niece or nephew?'

Hold for five breaths...

I shake at the thoughts of everyone I know who has lost loved ones, or have loved ones fighting this illness.

I recognize many of my thoughts are selfish.

I feel guilty, I feel limited.

My attention is shifted to the virtual instructor.

Pace yourself...

I pace myself physically and try to pace myself mentally.

Although I have maintained a recommended 'daily routine'-- wake-up around the same time every day, workout, shower, get dressed, look 'presentable' for Zoom video calls, make/eat all 3 meals...so on. I am busy most of the day, yet most of the time I feel unproductive.

I know there isn't really an answer or mantra that will fix this, but I also know a lot of us are feeling this way. I've seen it shared on social media, and I myself have re-shared posts about not beating yourself up for "wasting your quarantine time".

We are all figuring out how to deal with what's going on. It's different for every single one of us. Some of us do better challenging ourselves everyday with a list of productive achievements -- and some of us just need to give ourselves a break.

We're always told our possibilities are limitless, but I'm just here to say it's ok to feel limited right now.

Let's all just take a minute in shavasana. Unclench your jaw, pull your tongue away from the roof of your mouth, relax your brow, soften your eyes... just pace yourself.